The death of the Pop-Up toaster is not exaggerated.

Life. The battles. A hard night's sleep. All I want is some toast for breakfast. Yet here is another battle I face. The lever on the toaster isn't working properly. Sometimes it sticks. Sometimes it doesn't. If I hold it down and to the side a little, I might make it stick. You know the drill. These toasters come out of the packaging all shiny and new. Its the stainless steel finish. Draws us consumers everytime, like the Pied Piper of Hamelin. The first few months are like a honeymoon. Golden brown toast, if thats the way you like, every time. Cooked with the reliability of a swiss watch and the taste of Swiss chocolate. Except it's savoury, not sweet, but its a nice metaphor.

Slowly but surely, things start to unravel.

"Hey Peter, did you have trouble with the toaster this morning?" my flatmate says inquisitively.

"Yes! Bloody thing is useless. What about you?" I ask in fleeting courtesy.

"No mate. Worked fine for me" was my flatmate's unassuming response, just shy of boasting.

My flatmates superiority didn't last. Before long, we're all having trouble with the toaster. We resort to sticking teaspoons to jam the lever down. You've got to put the spoon in, on a specific angle, otherwise it's going to be the worst 5 minutes of your life. Clearly, the honeymoon is over. We're closer to divorce. The seven month itch. Closer to being another toaster statistic.

This morning, unconsciously stomping down the stairs, my journey ends in the kitchen. I stare across at the bench to confront my enemy. Please, this morning, I want to make my toast without issue. I want to sit on the couch, munch on my toast, watch mind numbing morning TV and leave the plate on the coffee table. Of course, normally I would clean up immediately but its my one morning a week when I don't. I give the toaster a preliminary gentle rub. "Nice toaster. Good toaster. Cute, in a cool way, not the interesting but ugly way, toaster. Did you sleep well? I'm going to turn on the switch now. Do you think we can work together today?".

Surely my genuine calm gestures will ensure the toaster's co-operation. I want to share the words of Russell Crowe's, Maximus Decimus Meridius, during the first gladatorial fight, "We have a better chance of staying alive if we stick together", with the toaster. I don't want to alarm the toaster so I decide against it. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I might harm the toaster but the situation is serious. I'm at a personal Defcon 3. You've got to follow procedure.

Gently place the bread in. See you on the other side! When you're toast! Like Bruce Willis in Armageddon, the bread slowly sinks out of view, facing it's fate with courage. The teaspoon is my other hand, cocked at precisely the required angle. As the lever arrives to the nadir of its journey, I motion the teaspoon forward into the toaster with the precision of brain surgeon. "Woooaahh, there boy, its ok". I can feel the toaster breathing. The teaspoon feels like it has a good hold. Yes. The teaspoon is stuck in perfect position. I am the Toaster Whisperer. Calm now, I do not want to jinx it. I pull my hands away.

YES!! I've done it! A quiet morning fist pump in the air. Roger that, Houston, the toast is on its way.

But before you can say "Peanut Butter on toast". The lever flings back up. Don't worry I can rescue this. But alas, the lever doesn't even pretend to stick. My flatmate arrives "Problems with the toaster again? Let me show you." he says with disdain. No, my smug flatmate, is Gene Hackman on the Poseidon. One last try. The toaster and I are officially divorced. Irreconcilable differences. Oh Mount vesuvius, are we related? I want to destroy this toaster like those dudes from the movie, Office Space, destroyed that printer. I'm no gangster though. Gangsters don't have fruit juice and a piece fruit for breakfast. Admittedly, this is probably more in line with the World Health Organisation policy, but I've never really subscribed to their periodicals, and I'll be hungry by 10!

A good university friend of mine always amazed me in that, if something didn't quite work well enough, he would not rest, never sleep, until he uncovered a better way of facing life's daily battles. A little annoying if you're in a rush but in the long term, these pioneers push boundaries, discover uncharted territories, search for new planets and own better toasters. You'll not be surprised to learn, my friend is an avid user of Apple Products. The ipod, iphone, Mac, ipad. I've not seen him open his wallet, but I suspect he carries a small photo of Steve Jobs in there.

I shared my distressing story with my friend.

"My toaster died today. You know, I didn't really care for it. I'd buy another toaster. But I don't think I can go through this over again." I go on to pour my heart out and re-live the story. He's surely regretting my invitation to catch up for a beer. Maybe that's why he's returned to the table with a couple of shots of tequila.

"Sorry to hear that mate", he says in classic textbook fashion. "Have you searched around for different types of toasters? You could buy a model like the ones you see in the fancy hotels."

And from the ashes rises the phoenix idea. I searched Amazon feverishly. I never knew there were so many types of toaster. It's just burnt bread people! Why do you need so many different types? Still there are billions of people on this planet and we need our toast.

And there it is. I found it. The Peek-And-View feature. The heating elements operate independently of the lever slide and slide carriage. Why did they ever need to be together? I think it was a good marketing ploy. Not only did you want your bread burnt but you wanted it to be sprite-ly when finished. Pop! Out of the toaster! Good morning! Maybe the good mood of the toast was supposed to rub off on you. Well I'm over that. I don't need sprite-ly toast. I need toast.

The Peek-And-View toaster can turn itself off. It can turn itself on. With a bit of training, I can learn to lower the bread into the toaster, then lift the lever and slide carriage, when I need to eat. As a human, I've learnt to use the tools at my disposal.

Its a happy ending to a long journey. Hollywood, if you're reading, I've got the screenplay written and copyrighted. I'm picturing Tom Hanks in the lead. He was born to get 3 oscars for Best Actor.

I've owned this little piece of toasting heaven for 3 years now. We renew our vows every year. Not a day goes by where I don't sit and marvel a man's ability to burn bread in a controlled manner.